Lifestyle Dominant and professional sex educator – Master Dominic – helps to answer members' questions and provide advice to those exploring BDSM and fetish relationships.
I have lately realized that I feel a bit out of place in the kink community. While I have no particular trouble dominating someone, and I find it quite enjoyable, I have recently found myself uncomfortable with the importance that people put into "masculinity". While I identify as a cisgender man, I do enjoy androgyny and wearing non-traditionally male clothing from time to time. This could range from high heeled leather boots, corsets, make up, or whatever I feel like that day. For this reason, I heard I would be barred from entering kink parties in my city. I can't quite phrase a direct question to ask, I guess I would just like some perspective on this angle. I am first and foremost an activist for LGBT rights, and I would feel like I'd be betraying my own values, were I to compromise my look for something else.
Master Dominic responds:
Hello Filipe! I was delighted to receive this question. Diversity and inclusion is a big part of what Recon is about (I'm currently sat in a floor length dressing gown and a full face of makeup writing this, for example!) and we want to make it clear that everybody is welcome at Recon events, whether you're like a real life Tom of Finland cartoon or more like a drag queen with a boner. I proudly fall into the latter. Please know that there are places where you are absolutely welcome.
It's a topic that's very relevant to me, and something I'm often asked about. I was raised by a very supportive mother who took full advantage of me wanting to do her hair instead of playing with dirt, and so I always grew up without the concept of what a man should or shouldn't do pushed on me. By the time I hit the fetish scene and industry, I was confident enough in who I am to resist buckling to the pressures I felt when faced with rejection, snide remarks and occasional outright hostility from the types of fetish men that didn't get what I was about. I carried on enjoying who I am, wearing the damn corset and sticking rhinestones to my asshole for fun, and I've gone on to work successfully in the fetish industry for well over a decade. I write and teach, I session, I consult for big businesses and TV companies on product development and content in their programmes, and I do all of it while looking like a clown at a funeral. I genuinely believe that if I'd buckled to the feelings or pressures you're experiencing, toned myself down or compromised who I am as a person I wouldn't be where I am today. I carved both a career and numerous satisfying, authentic, genuine connections with subs out of being an unapologetically androgynous, gender non-conforming, highly unusual Master. I stand out like a sore thumb, and it makes me more visible to the people who have opportunities and experiences I want. Don't buckle – refusal to do so brought me nothing but happiness and success. Anybody who is considering toning down, or not doing their eyebrows, or butching up their mannerisms to try to please others; don't. The connection isn't authentic, and it'll just make you feel more unsure of yourself – getting stuck in a vicious cycle isn't good for anybody involved.
I will say though, that these attitudes are definitely shifting. I notice a lot of appreciation for femme tops or androgynous guys on Twitter, for example. It's encompassing traditionally masculine-presenting men too, which I (and many others) LOVE. Seeing this hulking great big dude who could probably tear me in half with his bare hands in a pink thong, heels and a bra is awesome, and getting much more common to see. What that means is there is a tribe of your people out there waiting to love and accept you, you just might have to look a little harder and kiss a few frogs before you find them. The lessons you'll take from these experiences, even if they're negative ones, will only bolster your strength of character and make you a significantly more experienced, empathetic, compassionate Dom for your partners. Trust me on that.
Finally, for those who have the "no femmes" type mindset; that's okay. If you don't get turned on by a man in panties, that's fine. Nobody is forcing you to go to town on him! But I'd like to suggest that you think about the language you're using, and how you interact with people who aren't your cup of tea. You might not want to fuck them, and they probably don't want to fuck you, but they're still a human being with feelings and vulnerabilities, just like you. Don't be unnecessarily rude or hostile, just as you wouldn't want them to be bitchy and venomous. As LGBTQ+ people, we're supposed to look after each other and raise each other up. You won't find many people who are more fun, more interesting and more admirable than those who are a bit of an outsider, yet stick to their guns. Who wouldn't want a friend who can not only out-party your other friends by miles, but can help with sorting your monobrow out before said party? So, next time you're at an event and you see someone with pink hair and great skin, go and talk to them. You'll be pleasantly surprised to simply find another human being under the outfit, and probably one you stand to learn a lot about loving who you are from, as I'm sure they can learn from you too. Sounds fucking fabulous to me.
If you'd like to ask our Uncle of Agony for advice relating to your fetishes and kinks – either with your username or anonymous - please send your question FAO: Uncle of Agony to: firstname.lastname@example.org