Yvan, also known as member QueerYvan, is a historian of sexuality. In an ongoing series, he shares some of his favourite fetish encounters (in a whole lot of detail), as well as occasionally fill us in on the history of kink.
We agreed to meet in a sex shop; he was waiting when I arrived. It was empty, apart from the person behind the counter. He walked me directly to the wall of sex toys; I leant into him, his chest pressed hard against my back, feeling him rub himself against my thigh, his track pants slippery against my jeans. I breathed him in, imagining how I could please him.
-- Choose three, he said. I want you to put on a show for me.
I chose wisely, because I wanted to impress him. I wanted to push myself to the limit, to surprise him by how slutty I could be.
One curved, made of steel.
One large, thick cock-shaped that fitted a strap on harness.
One double-ended, 30cm.
X X X
Outside the shop, he pushed me against the wall and kissed me. It was not far to his flat. The room was large, not very furnished, a sofa, a mattress on the floor. There was a mirror resting against the wall, taking up half of it. The Marseille sunlight flooded in. The afternoon was pink, just like Walter Benjamin said.
He sat down, beer in hand, cigarette rolled and ready to light.
--You said you wanted to put on a show for me. What do you want to show me?
I did not have to say anything. I laid out the toys we had bought next to the lube he had given me. I got undressed, the summer light warm against my skin.
He was looking at my tattoos. I stood still as his eyes followed the line from my toes, over my nipple to my neck. His finger circled in the air. I turned around. The red jagged line that criss-crosses up my side, reminder of a BDSM game I have played over and over. The large black X on my back.
-- What does that say? He pointed to my arse.
-- "Baise moi", in my partner's messy handwriting, written in a frantic hurry.
-- I thought that you were going to fuck yourself for me, first. That's what you told me you wanted, he chuckled.
With that I sank to my knees.
X X X
I reach for the steel one first. I love how the metal is clinically cold; how I have to stretch my arse around the ball before it pops inside me. I start with the larger end. Enough lube, and then push - it is in. It is cold, but my body wraps around it and I am acutely aware of its shape and size. I am on my knees, naked in front of him. I want to give myself to him. Slowly I move the toy in and out of my arse, playing with the way it stretches me before popping out; pushing it back in, using it to rub my prostate and excite myself. I move my hips in time with the toy, each time slightly increasing the pressure on my prostate, rolling it around as the toy warms up and disappears into a single point of pleasure, feeling my way around my body, the shape of my bones and my bladder.
I am lying back, my knees up. My arse is totally exposed, and I am getting off on him looking at me pleasuring myself. I fuck myself well but keep teasing myself by stopping myself coming. This tension will mount until I give it to him. My cock is glistening with precum that starts to trickle down. Sometimes I play with my dick, but mostly this is about me giving myself maximum pleasure for his eyes.
I want something deeper now, so reach for the double-ended dildo. I know how well I fuck myself with this - I chose all of my favourite toys. The ones I love to fuck myself with when I am alone in the shower or lying in the sun on my couch. The ones people who come to my house fuck me with. The ones I bring to other people to make them feel like I make myself feel.
When I started using a double-ended dildo like this, it was to meet other men, so we could penetrate each other at the same time, our arse holes meeting like lips around the base of a cock. We would move together, our balls and flaccid cocks squeezed between our thighs. But now, I wanted it all for myself. I lie back and pull back my legs. I can see myself in the mirror, and for a while I stop looking at him directly and instead focus on the reflection of me pulling this toy almost all of the way out and then plunging it most of the way back in, until my thumb and fingers are wet from pressing against my gaping hole. I move it in faster and faster, fucking myself deep and hard, my sphincters taking the whole length. When I stop, I look at his face in the mirror, gazing at me. I slowly push it all of the way in, and then clench myself tight and let it all back out, taking as much time as possible, feeling every ripple of my bowels reticulating around the centre of my pleasure. It falls out, and I feel empty. My arse hole is stretched, I can see it open wide in the reflection. I push the toy back in, gasping when it passes my second sphincter, but taking it all in one go. I push it in and out like this, wanking this long, fake cock with my gut while he regards me, fascinated, grinning to himself. He stands up and walks over to me, picking up his harness and the big cock he wants to fuck me with.
X X X
His cock is over his tracksuit pants. He takes off his top, his smooth skin glowing. He kneels and puts one hand on my thigh and with the other he pulls the toy slowly out of my arse, taking his time and leaving me hanging by a thread, feeling observed and vulnerable, desperate to give myself to him.
He leans forward and starts to lick my arse. I feel so stretched and his tongue so tender. I am sensitive; I can feel myself almost coming. He pushes two fingers into me and holds me open so he can push his tongue deeper into my hole, sucking on my flesh. I am rocking my hips, absolutely in ecstasy. He sits back, pours more lube over his hand and pushes more fingers inside me, moving them in and out while I writhe around on the mattress in front of him. My hand is around my cock, which is leaking desperately.
-- Don't come yet, he says. Take your hand away.
I obey. Precum is drooling down into the hairs on my belly. He starts to fuck me faster and I let my body take me away until my hole is clenching and spasming around his fingers. As he takes them out, he spanks me on my arse hole.
-- On your knees.
X X X
He doesn't stick his cock straight in me. He makes me wait, his hands on me, tenderly. He traces the lines that are carved into my body, plays with the hairs that cover me. I turn to the mirror, and everything looks serene. The harness over his track-suit pants marks out the shape of his arse. His hands hold me around the waist, he scratches me lightly with his nails. When he rests his cock heavy over my hole, I move and show him how much I want him.
-- Keep still, he says.
I breathe in deeply. He pulls my knees off the mattress onto the floor, his thighs between mine. It takes forever for him to let his cock trace down my crease and push against my hole. Every little movement expands me. I cannot help but move, and his grip tightens. He stops entirely, and I can feel my heartbeat pulsing against his dick. I dilate around him, the thickest thing that has been pushed into my arse all day. He pushes until I can feel the fabric of his tracksuit against my balls.
He fucks me slowly like this, gently. I am sobbing into the mattress in pleasure. He keeps me on edge forever. My cock is drooling onto the floor in long glistening threads. I keep my eyes on his body, his chest hard, his hips swaying into me. He looks so hot; I can't keep my hips still, and push back to meet him, which only encourages him to start to fuck me hard.
He pulls all the way out, his fist around the base of his dick, and then pushes it back in, thrusting hard for the last half, just to make me moan. I'm loud. I want him to hammer into me, so I reach around and feel his arse clenching and pull him deeper into me. "Fuck me," I am calling out, my hands on my cheeks, pulling myself open for his massive dick. He stands up behind me and jackhammers his cock into me, I have my hand tight around the base of my cock and feel it swelling up and I start to come on the floor as he fucks me. My body is exhausted, contracting around him as he slides in and out of my arse. I collapse forward, feeling void with my arse gaping and his dick glistening. I hold myself open so he can see inside me.
He points to my puddle of precum and spunk on the floor.
-- Lick it up.
I obey. Making eye contact with his gaze, studying the smirk on his lips, the way he rubs his fingertips across his tongue, I watch him as I lick myself off the floor. When it is all gone, I kneel next to my tongue marks, eyes down, waiting.