MEMBER ARTICLE: Fetish Fraud? Or just bad at talking?
25 January 2019
By an anonymous Recon member
Sometimes I think I'm a fetish fraud. I'm moderately experienced, but it's fun when I have time, it's not a lifestyle. Equally, I'm not a novice: I know what I like: bondage, cp, hoods and more. I also know what I don't: breath control, sounds and heavy pain early on in a session are going to freak me out. I've had some great sessions with guys from here, but the ones that worry me are those which don't work, where I find myself wimping out and calling it a day before the session's fifteen minutes old. Nobody's happy and I feel like a fraud.
I'm versatile. These days, I mostly top - I love having a naked man tied up watching me put on my leather gloves, implements on show, waiting for the next move - but I believe that if you're going to top well, you need to remind yourself what it's like from the other side. I love that moment when, as a sub, your mind and body surrenders to a hot guy's will, but for me, that's also when things can go wrong.
There was the guy who had promised to go gently, but who thought that meant beginning with an attempt at stuffing what felt like a cannon ball up my chronically tight arse, barking "take it, lad" at me. Or the guy who wanted to role-play dentist and patient. I'm all for a hot man in full leather tying me up for an oral examination, I just hadn't expected the real drill.
It was the most recent near disaster showed me where I was going wrong, though. The guy ticked most of my boxes and said the right things. Additionally, he was hot. What could go wrong? My mind, for a start.
Just pause here, tops out there, and think about a sub putting himself in your hands for the first time. I'm coming to your place. We'll have had a chat, possibly a drink, settled that it feels good. You're happy to be about to get your wicked way, but when I'm naked, being led by the balls, wrists cuffed, hooded, to a room I can only smell, by someone I barely know, an awful lot of things my mother implanted in my mind wake up. You need to think of that. Even if you're an A+ grade kisser.
It started with the hood. It had this habit of contracting when I breathed in and expanding when I breathed out, like a plastic bag. Did I mention breath control freaks me out? Still, it was horny to be bollock naked with a nice leather clad man and I could breathe, so I tried not to let that distract me. In no time my hands were above my head attached to some sort of pulley. Very horny. Then I felt a sting like a piece of very whippy, sharp wire around my back and arse. I'd no idea what that was and didn't like it. Then he started doing something strange with my cock. I was trying to work out what the fuck was going on rather than let it happen. Then the cane smashed down. And there was no way I could get comfortable with that hood on. I asked him to stop, thinking this was another failure.
He was brilliant. In a few seconds I was untied, hood gone, on the bed, being cuddled. We talked. I told him why the hood didn't work and what I meant by CP being built up. He was fine with me going but suggested something I was keen to try as an alternative. Panic subsided. I let temptation get the better of me.
He'd listened. He did wonderful, not very brutal things with that cane, my tits and my balls loved his attention. We found a better hood. I was able to relax into my sub state. After a while he got to cane my arse properly, because I was ready and wanted it. I worked out what he was doing to my cock and that became horny. I never got to like that stinging thing but, overall, it was a happy session. The next one will be better, and I've learned where I've been going wrong: I've not talked enough.
The whole Dom/sub dynamic assumes that the top can do what he likes, and the sub has to accept it in silence without complaint. That may work for some, but not for me. I need to feel safe and comfortable physically: if that hood isn't comfortable, I can't get into the headspace the top needs. It's also implicit that the top knows everything. That's wrong too. We all have different pain thresholds and tops can only find these out through trial and error. Subs have to help them get it right, but tops have to listen and, if necessary, forget the hood or be a bit patient before tying me down for those 12 heavy strokes.
So next time I'm topping a guy for the first time I'm going to show him where we're playing. I'm going to introduce him to the gear I'm going to use, let him try it, say if he doesn't like it – if he's naked and I'm in leather, I reckon I can make that quite horny. I'm going to give him a bit of horny commentary in the session so that he feels he knows what's happening and his mind can relax so he gets excited, not worried, and he's able to tell me if he's freaking out or just uncomfortable.
And next time I'm subbing, I'm not going to be afraid of being thought of as a difficult sub by insisting that this happens, or by saying when something isn't working and why. And, if he's listening and it goes a bit wrong, I'll give him a second chance to get it right. That way we'll have fetish fun and I'll not feel a fetish fraud.
Recon Responds: We don't think this member comes across as a fraud at all - we all have to play within our comfort levels. Though it's good to push your limits, it's also good to know what they are, and having a dialog with the guys you're playing with can be very important. We're glad he came to this realisation, and hopefully he'll no longer think of himself as the F-word.
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